Peppermint Epiphany

The tea that started it all :P

Just elaborating on my facebook status here: "This is going to sound retarded.. but as I was eating my toast this morning with peppermint tea I realised that I have a personality and that I had this person in me that I'd completely forgotten over time.. Go me?".

In a nutshell without knowing me, I'm going to start by saying that the past couple of years have been difficult emotionally.  Even though I've gained many great things, like a wonderful boyfriend of nearly two years and my lovely rattikin trio,  I have to admit that I've felt really aloof with what kind of person I am (or even what kind of person I'd like to be).  I used to have a really strong identity.. I felt like I was the kind of person that could be friends with anyone and I used my social skills to the max.  Then for certain reasons I started to doubt myself.  Doubt turned into pushing away and secluding.  Eventually that doubt become massive social anxiety - the thought of doing anything with strangers, even friends was so emotionally crushing that I would be in hysterics before it and completely drained after it.  And I'd always think I'd made a fool of myself.  I think most people mistook this as being quiet, but it was more that I was afraid of everything to do with social situations.

When Justin said he was going away for 6-8 weeks, I thought I'd be stuffed.  I've left myself in this position of not having very much to do with myself and sans many friends, so the thought of being alone for that long was a really scary one.  But I really wanted to be strong.  So what did I discover this morning over a cup of peppermint tea?  I realised that I own myself.  That all along I had all these unique wants and likes, that I have things that I'm proud of - that I'm great at.  I've been so afraid of who I am this whole time that I tried to make myself about certain things that I could cling onto, that I forgot all the things that made me.. well ME.  And those things I've been clinging onto?  I don't resent them at all, in fact they've only made me feel stronger about what I've hung onto desperately to get through the rainy days.  And now - I'm just super excited :)  There's sooo much to do, I'm sure the next few weeks are absolutely going to fly. xx