But first let me show you my massive bowl of salad that is now my dinner:
It's seriously as big as my head! But salad makes me feel human and alive, when I start to feel rundown a salad is always there to pick me up. Of course if I had never decided to try being a vegetarian I probably would have never picked up on it - the way that certain foods have an almost healing/positive effect. I'm much more in touch with my body and really that's what this blog post is going to be about - how changes I've made have made me more in touch with different parts of myself.
I start off every year saying 'This is going to be the year of change'.. I can tell you it rarely is. I mean sure I've always done little things, changing things I don't like, but this is the first year that I've looked at things that I've wanted to do for a long time and just started doing them. I cut my hair all off because I wanted to (although I am growing it back now it was quite the experience in liberation), I am studying something I like, I took up being a vegetarian and a few other secret projects that I can't reveal to protect the innocent (and save my own butt).
What I've learnt the most so far though, is how much I'm becoming this person that I always wanted to be but never really saw myself being. People that are close to me and have known me for long enough could tell you that I've changed a lot in the past two years. It's like I've always needed to chase different focuses because I couldn't focus on myself, finally I think I've learnt how to keep most of the focus on myself. I have gained a lot of confidence about myself and what I can do.
Two years ago my best friend was counting down for her wedding; she was also trying to conceive their first child. We (including her husband) were all 20 at the time, and while they were committing to each other I was getting over a messy breakup and fumbling through a new relationship. I didn't get where her head was at 2 years ago, because I obviously didn't believe in relationships lasting or that making plans ever got someone anywhere. 2 years later I think I have some idea of where her head was at, it's like this change of heart/mind that just hits you - and little (HA!) things like commitment, children and womanhood hits you like a ton of bricks. Being a mum, being a wife once seemed like foreign (but eventual) concepts and now they're what everything is going towards. I'm not saying that I expect them to happen right now, but I accept them as things that will happen for me and that I welcome wholeheartedly.
In the meantime I'll research homeschooling (which I'd love to do!), read about what other women do with their children, cuddle Cameron (Rachel's 8-month old son), read about growing vegetables/fruits/herbs, find out how to raise chickens and ducks, learn to sew toys/clothes/blankets, collect wooden toys and books in fear that they'll for some reason stop producing them over time. And yes I'll do my degree, even though I can never see myself in an office.. because I figure any skill is a good skill and all this stuff I am doing at university will surely come in handy in ways that I can't expect or predict. I may even be able to do something entirely unique that will require all the great multimedia stuff I'm learning, may require creativity or writing or German hahaha.
I guess the point I'm trying to get to is that even crap days are to be expected on this path I'm strolling along in life. And that over time they make me stronger, no matter how much I whinge or vent - there's a bigger side of me that is happy than a side of me that is sad - so I finally know that I'm winning against the negative little rain cloud. I know everything will be great - that it already is pretty great and that I'm lucky to have so much opportunity and love in my life. :)
PS: See how much I love that salad? :P
<3
ReplyDeleteYou make my heart smile.
That is all.
What a great blog entry ;)
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